I'm not in a terribly good mood tonight, had to put up with H.R.P., plus I need to shower & shave for tomorrow, and I need to work out a build system - nmake style because I will fling my computer out a window if I've got to use Visual C++ lol. And I've got to get it all done early so I can go to sleep and be ready to be up at the crack of dawn for whatever H.R.P. wants to nit pick about before the doctors appointment.

She spent at least 15-20 minutes rambling in her usual way, I can only best describe her behavior as being a hurtful old rhymes with witch. So, I'm sitting there listening, face expressionless (for safety), and trying to eat during the first 5 minutes of the tirade. I honestly don't give a damn what her choices of words are, words alone don't bother me, so much as why someone would choose to use them. You could say, words can never hurt me but some people can :-/. Also if she wants to use an indirect quote of my words, as a way of lashin' out, at least she could get something right. As opposed to say, missquoting, missing the point, spirit, intent, etcetera. I'm used to dealing with the kind of people, who you could say, "The pen is red and the ink is blue", and they could here pen, find something to harp on at all exclusion of rationality, and might later try to convince you the pen is blue and the ink is red, lol.


It seems whenever my proximity to anyone in my close-family increases, the more utterly miserable I become. They just suck the life out of me :'(. There's not really much I can do about it, it hurts more to hurt-back then it does to just drown silently, since the alternative is going verbal or physical to a much greater magnitude and nether are courses I am willing to chart. I've seen it to often, I've heard it to often, I've been ripped apart to often, to choose cruelty above all else; strangely it makes me feel even more the freak of the family. I am so like them in capability but not action, it is like carrying an executioners blade but refusing to draw it. Recent conflicts with her royal pain, also makes me think about /why/ I call her H.R.P. in digital commu. and remember something she once said about her own mother. Either way I suppose, something will work itself out in time, the question is just what will be left by then.



It seems that the one thing I desire most in this world is also always the furthest away.