My mother quadruples her efforts to uncover my plans, but to very little avale. As far as I am concerned, she has to either earn it or prove 'clearance' to it. It's as simple as that.

All in all, my life is a relatively open book; there's not much to hide. When I've let my family know what's on my mind, I've often found the result tends to yield the emotional equal to a dagger in ones flesh, or being hounded to no end: most often over some minor detail, at the expense of all other subject. There in, actually lays a key of choosing ones words: being terse has value if people pay attention, but if no one will get past the second or third word, who cares if you use five or twenty five words to say something? Aye, that's the rub.

By contrast, among those that I consider to be "Friends", within the inner-circle of them, most people have some idea of what my plans are. Things tend to flow both ways in that regard, as it should be. You could also say, that I know all to well the problem of a heavy spirit, that when given the chance: I believe in being a friendly ear, um, eye.. lol.

When it comes to family however: I present a well folded piece of paper. Information disclosure tends to follow a need-to-know model of unfolding that paper, or it remains classified altogether. Likewise I tend to take little interest in going son, as I know, it will only lead to me being *used* more often than not. That's the kind of damage my family has cultivated in our relationships. I can't help but find my mother's probes for intel, somewhere between narcissistic and laughable, if it wasn't for the tinges and pangs of desperation. Like a rat fearing a sinking ship.

Cut me, do I not bleed? Wrong me, shall I not forgive? Strike me, will I not learn to block?

After watching that bridge be burned for more than a decade, she will have to learn to build it herself, or live with it as I have been made to. I am to old to worry about being thrown over the parapets again.


I am not the mercenary type my family is, my blood doesn't run cold, I merely run out of plasma. That's life.